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I have two great joys in life. I call them great joys because what I… - you and me should take some time
forget the pressures, forget the pressures baby

I have two great joys in life. I call them great joys because what I mean is that they are my ULTIMATE HAPPINESSES. There are extreme highs, of course, blissful crushes and a few brief minutes in the car when my favourite song comes on and I have my sunglasses perched on my nose and I am looking hot and unavailable, and times when I get amazing tips just for having gone to the same middle school as somebody's kids. Those are all pretty good times.

However! There are two ULTIMATE HAPPINESSES in my life, and they seem to me to be mutually exclusive. If I'm experiencing one, I can't experience the other. I think heaven would be experiencing both, somehow, but I don't think it's possible. Then again, if God is omnipotent and is living up there in heaven along with me, I don't see why he couldn't make my life a little better by making it possible.


1) Living hard. Parties, drugs, drinking and promiscuous sex (or just kisses, sometimes). Huge adventures that involve my humiliation of others and of myself, that involve illegal activities and running away from the authority, that involve big messes that I won't have to clean up the next day. I love meeting new people in wild circumstances and running with it, running with that experience, enjoying it and living in it and living fiercely, psychotically, brilliantly, as one with that one moment in time as I'm capable of. I love danger and adventure and psychedelic experiences and trying new things, new dares, toeing that line, crossing that line and finding completely new planes to explore. I love challenging myself. I love to push myself beyond my limit, because my limit's always farther than I thought and chasing it is much more fun than obeying it.

2) Writing. I never feel so complete and at peace when I am in the middle of a scene in someone else's life and writing it all down. I never feel so myself when I'm doing so. As I've said before, my definition is "writer." That's what I am at the bottom of things. And I've been told by others that maybe that's not the healthiest way to see yourself -- that maybe you should not just rely on one identity, in case that identity should fail -- but really, what's the point? I am a writer. Take away the writer, and you take away me. I become someone else. At all other times, I feel disconnected, disjointed, isolated, masked, hidden -- I feel like a liar -- and all that changes when I'm writing. By writing, I become myself again. Sometimes I think that "living hard" is my way of forgetting that separation that occurs at all other times, that separation between what I am & what I should be doing, and what I pretend to be and what I am doing. When I write, I feel like I'm doing what I've been put in this world to do.

See how they're incompatible? Maybe the "living hard" is what gives me something to write about, so that they're connected and essential to each other. Writing gives me a reason to live hard, and living hard gives me a reason to write. I guess that works. I don't know. I just suddenly realized today that there are only two things, and two things only, that give me absolute peace and confidence in my being. 


Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Boards of Canada - In a Beautiful Place out in the Country

12 comments or Leave a comment
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: June 8th, 2007 01:00 am (UTC) (Link)
Many great writers lived hard ... but they also died early, and in general left only a few works behind (even though they were often great works). Just something to think about!
maynotcomeback From: maynotcomeback Date: June 8th, 2007 01:56 am (UTC) (Link)
I thought about that, but then I thought that hey, we're all going to die anyway, so why bother worrying? Might as well just enjoy the time we've got, right?

Besides, decrepitude doesn't really appeal to me :)
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: June 10th, 2007 09:03 am (UTC) (Link)
I don't know that lifestyle has as much to do with decrepitude as attitude does. In my experience (and I've had some!) most people who party hard and hit the drugs and alcohol age faster and die younger than people who don't; but then you've got guys like the Rolling Stones, who do look ancient but who dance around on the stage like little kids.

In the other direction, most people who keep the somewhat "healthy lifestyle" because they want to be out adventuring and having their own kind of fun tend to live longer, look better and be happier -- but the ones who stay healthy because they're afraid of growing old end up with big frown lines and gray hair, and keel over from heart attacks at 50. So you see -- attitude. You keep your mind from getting old by exercising it, of course; the new things and challenges you mentioned.

On the third hand, drugs and alcohol make a writer (or anyone else) think he's brilliant, while actually sucking away his talent like a vaacum cleaner. Since writing is what we're talking about, and since I work hard to be as good a writer as I can be (AND because I'm an always-on-call volunteer firefighter), I choose to avoid the stuff. And yet I try new things, face new challenges, have fun, and piss people off; I figure I have the best of both worlds.

The promiscuous sex? Well, I just don't see the downside to that.
maynotcomeback From: maynotcomeback Date: June 10th, 2007 02:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
VERY TRUE! I guess what I was trying to say is that I love challening myself and doing things that scare me, which include some harder drugs and some crazier experiences and just pushing my limit. At least once. Meaning hopefully not become an addict, but not avoid doing something just because it's a little scary, or looked down upon, or might tarnish my golden reputation. NO FEAR.

I'm pretty sure I had all the partying and drugs and sex that I could take last year; that mindless hedonism just isn't as interesting or new any more (if you can believe it! I move on fast :S). So now those really big challenges and "living hard" is more about throwing myself into new countries, or cities, or societies, and starting from nothing but then building up. And that hasn't happened yet -- I still have at least three years left of ridiculous partying ;) -- but that's what my goal is.

But yeah, I definitely understand what you mean. Attitude is everything, and I don't want to end up burnt out at the age of 25 just because I had a few reckless years when I was younger. I guess for me, to maintain that attitude, I really DO need to keep pushing it. When I graduate from college I'm almost 100% positive I'll be getting a buzz cut. Just to try it. Just to see if I can take all the weird looks people will give me. I just need big CHANGES! -- the most superficial change of course being my hair, which undergoes radical (and I mean radical) transformations every six months or so, but I like big changes EVERYWHERE. Whole personality overhauls. It's either running away from something or running towards something, and I haven't decided which yet :)

I think I've gone a little bit on a tangent... hah.

I can think of a couple downsides to promiscuous sex o.O Funny, though, how that never occurs to me at the time :) So far I've been lucky and the good has always outweighed the bad, but I can't say that for all my friends! (My heart is made of ice but they always seem to fall for any random they sleep with. It's kind of strange, to be honest.)

King and Queen of long comments, perhaps?
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: June 11th, 2007 10:52 am (UTC) (Link)

well, maybe just a little fear ...

Challenging myself is something I'm still into ... but I've been in the emergency services for awhile, so I've seen enough of what happens when people do things that should scare them. My motto is, "Some Fear!" It doesn't exactly sing, I'll grant you ...

Anyway, I've never been into drugs or partying ... but honestly, I can't imagine getting your fill of sex. And yeah, I thought of the downsides of sex, but mentioning it would have ruined the line -- it's a writer thing. :-) Me, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone I don't *like*, but I've seldom had problems dividing love from lust. As far as the other dangers, I'm now shooting blanks -- but there's always disease, or getting drunk and being videotaped. For the moment I'm sticking to forced celibacy.

Your idea of diving into new civilizations sounds like a fine compromise -- you get the challenges and sometimes the fear, while at the same time gaining knowledge and experience that will be a great help in your writing. Meanwhile, if a buzz cut is good enough for Natalie Portman, it's good enough for you!

Yep, that was long ... you've got me beat, though.
maynotcomeback From: maynotcomeback Date: June 11th, 2007 09:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: well, maybe just a little fear ...

haha, thanks for your enthusiasm concerning my travels :) It seems like such a big project sometimes, to move to another country and live and work there for a while. I'm sure I'll get 'er done though.

And I hope I don't sound sexist here, but you're a guy -- and to be totally honest I've noticed that my girlfriends have much more trouble drawing the line between lust and love than guys do. I've never had a guy complain to me that his one-night-stand never called him back, but I can't think of any girl (other than me, of course ;) who's had a one-night-stand and DIDN'T complain about that! Maybe the guys just don't talk about it as much.

I've mostly had enough of the promiscuous party sex too, to be honest. It's just not as good. I had a serious relationship a while ago and that was a thousand times better than anything casual or random. When I meet the right person, though, sparks will fly :)

The buzzcut thing is still under consideration. Sometimes I just feel like being UGLY and seeing if I can still have a wonderful life with wonderful friends, etc, and what better way to do that than to cut off all my hair? ...Then again, my hair is already really, really short, so it's not that much of a stretch or a challenge for me. I don't know. Sometimes I like being pretty and sometimes I don't -- changes all the time!

Fine, you can be my court jester then :D
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: June 12th, 2007 05:14 am (UTC) (Link)

Venus, Mars

Nothing sexist about it, males and females are simply different -- it's not sexist if it's true. I'm a bit unlike the average guy in that I tend to form some attachment to someone I have sex with -- I never was the one night stand type, much as I liked the idea in theory. But while there are always exceptions, in general guys are much better able to separate sex from emotion than women are. We're just wired different; and dare I add, it's one of the things that makes women better than men.

On the other hand, guys who don't get that call back after a one night stand aren't going to complain even if they are hurt -- they'd be made fun of unmercifully. I can't think of any woman I ever slept with who I wouldn't have been happy to see the next day, but I wouldn't have complained to my friends that I had hot sex with no emotional attachment.

I assume, when you say promiscuous party sex, you mean in some bedroom at a party rather than in the middle of the dance floor/living room -- otherwise I've probably already seen you on the internet. :-0 I must sadly confess I stop to watch those videos when I stumble across them; they beat professional adult movies all to pieces.

Are you sure you'd look ugly with a buzz cut? Some women don't, after all! *I* would, but that's another story. I've always considered myself to be somewhat plain looking (that's me in the icon) so I'd go the opposite -- I'd like to see how I'd be treated if I was some kind of hottie. I suspect I'd tire of it quickly.

Anyway, yeah, court jester -- that's pretty much already my part time job, since I write a humor column!
maynotcomeback From: maynotcomeback Date: June 13th, 2007 03:46 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Venus, Mars

You're probably right. It's so hard to figure out what will offend people and what won't. And there you go -- you're a little bit more girly than most guys, and I'm a lot more ... guy-y... boy-ish? than most girls :) I'm pretty talented at separating love from lust -- enough, at least, to feel a little bit forlorn even while getting (or at least being offered?) all the action I could want :)

*DIES LAUGHING* Oh my GOD, no, I would never have drunk sex in public like that! People get kicked out of bars when that happens. Although I'll admit I've definitely made out with a few (or more than a few o.O) people at parties in public before. Everybody else was doing it. Probably no excuse, though.

I probs wouldn't look bad with it. I look way better with short hair than with long; I have the feminine face and the big eyes and the neck, and I guess I'm small and slender enough for it, too (big women rarely look good with really short hair) -- the whole pixie thing, etc. Arrogant much, eh? :) Buzz cuts are just really UN-feminine, you know? Even if it looks decent, it's still a rejection of all that girly pretty stuff. I'm not sure if I'm that hardcore, but it would be a fun experiment :)

All the hotties I know seem to deal with it just fine... ;) I'm jealous too. But to be honest it seems more of an attitude than any particular look, and I just can't pull that cocksure flirtation off -- I think I'm just too transparent for it.

Only anti-hotties are allowed at my long post court, so consider yourself lucky!
ozma914 From: ozma914 Date: June 13th, 2007 07:53 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Venus, Mars

Oh, I'd have never thought you'd have public sex in a bar! I was talking about those wild parties in peoples' homes, which now that I think of it seem to be where most of those movies get made -- along with dorm rooms, no doubt. I don't think I'd like it for the same reason I wouldn't want to be an adult movie actor -- performance anxiety. :-)

A bit more girly ... let me tumble that around in my mind a bit ... okay, I guess I'll accept that. You must remember, however, that I'm a big, burly firefighter with a large tool. It's called a Halligan, we use it to force open doors and windows. What did you think I meant? (Okay, I'm not really all that burly.)

I do have to confess, if I saw you sitting there looking forlorn I'd probably want to give you a hug rather than take advantage of you, which is probably what makes me more girly than the other guys. There was a time when I'd cheer you up, *then* try to take advantage of you.

From your description, you'd probably do fine with the very short hair. You make yourself sound rather anime-girlish; it makes me want to take pictures of you ('cause I've got an amateur photographer thing going on). But I suppose you're right about the buzz cut -- they're kind of unfeminine by nature. I'd got a somewhat oddly shaped head, thanks to a bad birthing experience, so a buzz cut would not be complimentary to me. Some people say that's all in my head. Get it? Never mind. :->

So it takes attitude to be a hottie, huh? Yeah, I'm doomed.
shaughnconley From: shaughnconley Date: June 9th, 2007 06:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
You and I are very much alike. Friends?
maynotcomeback From: maynotcomeback Date: June 9th, 2007 06:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
Absolutely. Friends are fine by me.

I'm shocked at how fast people find other people on this site o.O
shaughnconley From: shaughnconley Date: June 9th, 2007 06:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
I know, it's kind of strange. I like it though.
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